The Ways We Cope…
The Ways We Cope - Reflections about coping strategies
I have felt compelled to write about coping strategies, a topic that I plan to expand on in my forthcoming eBook. In my 12 years of working with clients, many people come to therapy to work on what they believe to be the main problem in their life.
Some examples:
A person might be drinking alcohol too often for their liking and the impact of that on their choices and life has caused things to spiral out of control. Drinking is now habitual and they can’t break the habit. They can’t imagine socialising without alcohol.
Another person is seeking help for their disordered eating, which they have noticed to be taking centre stage in their life. This might look like over-eating or restricting what they’re eating. It might look like habitually eating and craving certain foods in response to stressful situations or loneliness.
A third person has realised they are living for the weekend. They regularly use cocaine and other recreational drugs, even though it might not be their intention to do so at the start of the night. It was just a few drinks to let off steam at the end of a busy week, that ended up messy. That might be happening a bit to often.
A fourth person has terrible trouble sleeping and has become reliant on coffee to get through the day. A daily cup has now turned into a cup an hour and they are spending fortunes on takeaway coffees. They can’t imagine staying awake without coffee, but feel increasingly anxious and ‘on edge’. The amount of caffeine in their body makes falling asleep hard and so the pattern repeats.
The four people in these examples may be focusing on the coping strategies as the problem to be changed/addressed. Too much caffeine; disordered eating and alcohol use; drug use and excessive partying. Identifying these as changes that a person wants to make is step one of healing. The need for change and pattern-breaking is identified. If you can relate to this, you need to be mindful of two really important things.
1) This has become your way to cope. How will you cope if you do not replace it with an alternative way to cope? Your plan to ‘cut the behaviour out’ may fail if you don’t have a new way to cope in place.
2) Think of the coping behaviour as a plaster that you’re ready to rip off. Underneath that plaster is a wound. You might not be aware of how bad the wound is, especially if you’ve avoided looking at it for a while. It’s likely that coping behaviours such as the examples above, may have developed for escapism/numbing/avoiding pain or trauma. Some of these behaviours can be addictive, giving the brain a dopamine hit and taking over the original problem, to become the problem itself.
So changing unhealthy coping strategies that are not conducive to your wellbeing takes a bit of thought and planning. If you have developed a pattern of avoiding your feelings by using your ‘way to cope’, then you stop it. You will be faced with feelings to process without the comfort of your usual coping strategy. Therapy is an ideal place to do this, aided by an objective understanding person, who will walk beside you as you unravel what is underneath the plaster and work to change behaviour patterns.
A body practice such as yoga (if right for you) can be very helpful for releasing stored emotions in the body and is so beneficial when practiced while in therapy. I speak from experience as my dissertation subject was an exploration of being in counselling and regularly practice yoga alongside it. I found the two processes to compliment each other and a great increase in self-awareness and well-being resulted.
Journalling is another great way to process emotions, thoughts and scenarios. It’s not only cathartic to offload the words onto the page, but it also increases your self-awareness. If you become aware of an issue/pattern, then you can work to understand and change it.
Therapy, yoga and journalling are all ways to process and release the feelings that you might have been numbing or avoiding through your unhealthy coping strategy.
Some coping strategies are more risky and addictive than others. Some, can be life-threatening. So getting help and support to stop risky coping strategies is imperative in getting back to health and staying safe. If this is the case for you, it is important to seek help from professionals and specialist organisations relevant to what you are going through (such as Beat for eating disorders, Self-Harm UK, Alcoholics or Narcotics Anonymous) before working on the trauma, pain etc. that you have been avoiding/numbing. This will help you to feel in a better place to process and explore painful places. Coping strategy swaps and a good support network can help you to get there.
If you feel your coping strategy is not desired, but it is not a life risk. Here are a few coping strategy swap suggestions:
Eating sugary foods when feeling sad - swap for journalling about your feelings.
Saying ‘Yes’ to all social events when you don’t want to - swap for putting boundaries in place to say no. Be true to yourself.
Worrying (as an attempt to prepare you for the unknown) - swap for practicing mindfulness (research this) and paying attention to what is happening now.
Drinking too much caffeine - swap every other cup of coffee for a glass of water. Then extend this further.
Self-harming (seek professional support with this) - swap to spending time with a supportive person until compulsion passes.
Procrastination to avoid studying or writing that email/letter (for e.g) - swap for a burst of physical exercise or activity, before trying again.
If you have more than one coping strategy that you consider unhealthy or know is risky, and want to stop. Try working to swap the most risky/detrimental behaviour first. Even if that means swapping one risky behaviour for another, but the new one is still less risky than the first. This is still a win. You are still recognising the changes you want to make and journeying towards that. For example, you might swap drug-fuelled benders for a few glasses of wine at home. This could still be a potential trigger for a drugs binge, so it might not be ideal in the long run. But as a first step, it is positive.
It feels important to say that not all alcohol/food/caffeine use is a coping strategy. The point is to reflect on your use, pattern and reason for having it. Then decide whether you think you’re using it to cope. Nobody knows you better than you know yourself.
If you relapse or slip back into a pattern of the maladaptive coping strategy that you’re trying to stop, be kind to yourself. Treat yourself with the same compassion that you would a dear friend. Habits that have developed and ingrained over many years, can take time to beat.
Be proud of the wins.
Be proud of the swaps.
If you are interested in knowing more about coping strategies from me in the future, please follow my instagram page katyactoncounselling as I will post news of my eBook release on there.
