The anniversary of death…
As the anniversary of my Dad’s death approaches, I felt compelled to write about death anniversaries. Therapists are not immune to the ups and downs and inevitable pain that we feel as humans over the course of a lifetime. The sudden loss of my Dad almost three years ago has been so painful. Albeit an experience that has deepened my capacity to empathise with and understand experiences of loss from other people.
Although we all grieve differently, there are some common themes that occur as death anniversaries approach.
Painful memories of the death itself can resurface, along with “if only” thoughts.
Yearning for the person you lost.
Happy memories you shared together.
Regret for things left unsaid.
Sheer disbelief that you haven’t seen/spoken to/hugged the person in (XXX) years.
For me personally, I am dreaming about my Dad and remembering all sorts of memories that we shared, from different times in our lives. At first these can be nice reminders, but then the realisation that he is gone hits me all over again.
I am often asked by bereaved clients, “when will I get over it?” And I have to answer honestly in saying, we never get over the death of the people we love. We get used to it. Our lives grow around it and it becomes part of us. This takes time. Healing is not neat and linear. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross (1969) created the five stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance), but was clear that they are not linear stages. There can be misconception that we pass from stage to stage and reach acceptance then that’s it. Sadly this is not the case. Some people may not go through all the stages; or may remain in one stage; or go back and forth between them. It’s important to do what feels right for you. And this can change from day to day; there are no rules.
There is often belief that ‘getting through the first year’ after the loss may bring some kind of miraculous change, once this milestone has been reached. There are pro’s and con’s to this type of thinking. On a positive note, it may give someone hope and motivation to keep functioning; to keep moving forward to the anniversary. The downside to this is it being loaded with expectation, which may lead to disappointment. It’s common for grief waves to hit on anniversaries. Thoughts such as: “this time last year, I spoke to them last”; “this time last year they were still here” or “this time last year we were at the hospital;” are prevalent. These thoughts may seem like pointless torture, but they have purpose in helping you to process the memories. Expressing them through talking to trusted friends or family or writing them in your journal can help. It’s important to do what feels right for you. And this can change from day to day; there are no rules.
Though it’s inevitable that we think of our lost loved ones around death anniversaries, grief can be triggered at anytime. Birthdays, wedding anniversaries and other memorable dates can also be especially difficult. Songs can be quite powerful reminders, bringing on waves of grief. If this happens to you, can you smile through the tears? Incorporating happy and sad feelings towards something at the same time. Or do you need to turn it off or get away from the song? Is it the song you’re trying to get away from, or the emotion that it triggers? It’s okay to cry if you need to, whether your loss was 12 months ago or 12 years ago. Your tears are releasing the pain from your body. They are valid. Not weak. It’s important to do what feels right for you. And this can change from day to day; there are no rules.
It is often said that our lost loved one lives on through our love and memories. However, for some people, recalling memories or looking at old photographs can feel impossible to do without triggering a tsunami of grief. Somedays you may want to do this and be able to welcome the tears. Other days, you might not be able to go there. It’s important to do what feels right for you. And this can change from day to day; there are no rules.
Secondary losses that result from losing a loved one occur throughout our lives. A few examples include:
A loved one not being part of a family celebration.
A daughter missing her Dad walking her down the aisle at her wedding or Dad being missed at a wedding.
Having children who will not know their grandparents.
Loss of future retirement plans that spouses may have shared.
The loss of seeing your child grow up.
These can also trigger more grief waves. Recognising this and being aware of where your reaction might be coming from, might not fix or change it, but it normalises your feelings. It’s important to do what feels right for you. And this can change from day to day; there are no rules.
So what might help with death anniversaries? Well, as always, it is important to recognise that not all things are helpful to all people. We each have our own backgrounds, beliefs, values and preferences, which will inevitably shape what helps us.
Here are a few suggestions you could try:
Write a letter to your loved one. You could include things you would like to say to them; talk about things that have happened this last year and share your feelings/thoughts/regrets with them. Keep, burn, bury or tear up the letter afterwards.
Visit the cemetery or a special place to the two of you. Lay flowers or take some time to pause and reflect.
Share stories about them with other family members or friends who may have known them. You might learn something new about them from somebody else’s memories or perspective. You keep them here through your memories in this way.
Light a candle in the morning and let it burn through the day. The flame representing your loved one’s light.
Write in your journal. This can provide a safe private place to offload and explore your feelings.
Plan a quiet reflective day alone.
Watch a favourite movie you shared.
Spend time with friends or family.
Visit their favourite restaurant to eat or drink their favourite thing (or have it at home). Raising a toast to them.
Listen to their favourite album or song.
Travel to visit somewhere special to them.
Create a ritual that you repeat each year on the anniversary.
If you are approaching a death anniversary or struggling with grief. Above all else, treat yourself with the same kindness, compassion and understanding that you would a dear friend if they were grieving. There is danger in placing too many demands, ‘shoulds’ and expectations on ourselves - expectations shaped by unrealistic societal judgements about grief and healing. Bring the focus to you and what you need at this time.
If you are local to the Leigh-on-Sea area, you are very welcome to join our free drop in bereavement group. Please see the ‘groups’ page on this website for more information.
