Secondary Losses
When you lose a loved one or pet to bereavement, there is the inevitable pain that comes from missing that person or animal. At first you may experience shock that they are gone and understandable difficulties in adjusting to life without them. During those early days, there may be funerals to arrange or attend and lots of contact from well wishers. This is the time people are most likely to send and extend their sympathies for your loss and be around to offer support
When somebody dies, it’s not just them that you lose. The loss of them, or primary loss, often starts a ripple effect across your life. There will be many other losses that occur from losing your loved one. These are known as secondary losses. Secondary losses are not obstacles to overcome, they are losses to be grieved for.
A few examples for secondary losses include:
Loss of purpose - particularly if you have been caring for your person.
Loss of role - the role that you lived in relation to your lost loved one - Wife, Husband, Mum, Dad, Brother, Sister, etc.
Loss of security - that person may have been your secure base in life.
Loss of future hopes, dreams and goals - the plans you had together don’t exist anymore.
Loss of faith - your loved one dying may leave you questioning your faith or feeling like you have no faith in yourself to cope.
Loss of confidence - this can be particularly difficult if the person who died gave you a sense of self-worth or confidence together.
Loss of identity - you may feel part of you has died with your loved one and that you have become unrecognisable to yourself.
Loss of financial security or income - things may change as a result of your loss.
Loss of companionship - causing feelings of loneliness.
Each secondary loss brings it’s own wave of grief, often causing multiple losses to contend with at once. Furthermore, you while you may receive sympathies and support for your primary loss - people often won’t be aware of the secondary losses you are now experiencing as a result. Many of these types of loss occur within and you might not even be aware of them, until you stop to think about it.
If you are bereaved and grieving, it may be helpful to make a list of secondary losses that you have experienced since you lost your loved one. When you see them all written down, you can see just how complicated grief can be. You are not just grieving your loved one, which is painful enough, but you are grieving all of the other losses. Some of which, will not become apparent until sometime in the future as and when they arise - the absence of your loved one at a celebration for example.
I wanted to write this blog to spread awareness of secondary losses and hopefully inspire a space of reflection about this for those struggling with grief. If that’s you, please be kind to yourself and free yourself from any expectations about linear healing timelines. Disregard any ‘shoulds’ in your thinking. Practice self-compassion and acceptance of how you are, day by day.
